I have to tell you the truth. The truth is that I am f’d up. Really, “F’d” up. I heard that what comes out of our mouth in words is what we will do in action. The truth is that I am hurting horribly, and I do a lot of things to distract myself from the agony of it all. The heartbreak of what I have been through and the pain of what has happened and fear of what will happen. When I use or act out, I feel like I can breath and relax. Is that stupid? It is so hard for me to say the word addict. That is the truth though.
The truth is that every day I drink too much alcohol and use too many drugs. The truth is that I have cut and burn on my legs and thighs, and pray to “God” for the courage to stop. The truth is that I have sex several times a week with random men. The truth is that I have one beautiful little boy. The truth is that he deserves a loving and stable mother. The truth is that I have flashbacks several times a day that make me want to use and act out to stop the pain. The truth is that I am afraid to sleep. The truth is that I use hard drugs. The truth is I have been taking Vicodin, Demerol, Xanax, and occasionally, Adderall (to help me focus) way more than I should. The truth is that whenever I see my therapist I am either high or coming down. The truth is that I need an entire bottle of wine to make me feel at peace. The truth is that I bang my head sometimes. The truth is that pull out my hair when I am frustrated. The truth is that I am a compulsive ice eater. The truth is that have an immense fear of crying. The truth is that my Mother verbally tortures me every single day. The truth is that I am actually a pretty good worker, and I’m surprisingly not lazy. The truth is that I’m a good student. The truth is that I have road rage. The truth is that I want to die. The truth is I want to live. The truth is that I was raped. A lot. The truth is that I put myself in dangerous situations. The truth is that I have many fucking truths.
The truth is that I need help. I’m scared. I’m hurting. I have to listen to good people. I have to stop thinking that everyone judges me for being in pain. I have to let myself go, and be real with trusted people. It is okay for me to be me. I want to scream and just let it all out. I wish I could detox from all of the bad things I do. I wish for more strength. I want to be done with all this. I need to stop!!!!
Thanks for reading. Thanks for understanding. Thank you for your help
I will continue to look forward to finding more good thoughts. They must be somewhere in me.
