If you have a loved one who is suffering from alcohol addiction, it’s natural to want to help. But knowing where the boundary is between helping and enabling their behavior is challenging. Codependency and alcoholism are often tightly intertwined behaviors that can be difficult to sort out.
And it takes two to tangle: the alcoholic and the codependent person. Read on to learn more about this complex dynamic, what it is, signs and the cycle of codependency and available treatment.
How Can Codependency Cause Alcoholism?
Codependency does not typically cause alcoholism. But it can definitely enable it. In fact, it’s more common for the behavior of those with alcohol Substance Use Disorder (SUD) to influence their partners to develop codependency.
One study powerfully characterized the untrustworthy behavior of addicts as creating “chaos, clutter in the family and emotional confusion, and their unstable and unpredictable behaviors cause chronic anxiety, disturbance and fear within the family”. The family response is a succinct definition of many core attributes of codependency “Family members try to control the harmful situation, blame themselves and feel shame over the circumstances.” [1]
A codependent person who has an alcoholic partner may ignore their own needs in order to focus on the addicted person. Gradually their identity centers around the alcoholic and both may form an unhealthy attachment to one another. The codependent person often blames themselves for the other person’s addiction, even as they are enabling it.
Enabling, Enabler, and Codependency
These terms are interrelated so untangling them is important to understanding what they mean.
When you offer assistance to a loved one that, rather than helping, actually reinforces an issue or unhealthy behavior, you are an enabler who is enabling. Enabling is any purposeful action or inaction that permits those struggling with addiction to continue their negative behaviors without assuming responsibility for its outcomes. And the worst form of enabling is often doing nothing.
Recognizing the following signs of enabling is a first step to understanding what it is:
- Ignoring a loved one’s toxic behavior
- Defending this behavior
- Helping someone avoid the consequences of their actions
- Giving money to someone with an SUD, that’s ultimately used to support their addiction
- Providing them with shelter
- Downplaying the severity of the problem
- Providing emotional support
- Lying on their behalf to protect them from consequences
- Making excuses for their behavior
A codependent relationship is one where one person takes on a caretaking role while the other person takes advantage of that. Codependency is a pattern of behavior in relationships where you compulsively strive to meet the needs of the other, even if you compromise your own health, independence or values.
Codependency develops when two people rely on one another to satisfy needs they can’t satisfy themselves. It often takes the form of one person wanting to help—or actually control—the addicted person. And it becomes codependent when a pattern develops of sacrificing their time, needs and sense of self for the addicted person. [2]
Signs of Codependency
There are many signs of codependency. A codependent in a relationship with an alcoholic may ignore their own needs and focus largely on the addicted person. Their identity begins to revolve around that person and both people may form an unhealthy attachment to each other. If the enabling person’s offers of help are rejected, it can cause stress and resentment. In fact sometimes the addict starts demanding even more.
Key characteristics of a codependent person include [1, 2]:
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty establishing and keeping healthy boundaries
- Putting the other person’s needs above yours
- Dropping everything to help the other person
- Tendency to minimize personal demands
- Prioritizing the addict’s needs
- Exaggerated care-taking behaviors
- Rationalizing or ignoring the addict’s unhealthy or destructive actions
- Just having joint friends and activities with the addicted person
- Obsessive involvement with others
- Difficult having intimate relationships with others
- Protecting the addict from the consequences of their problematic behavior
- Becoming angry when your offers of help are turned down
- Maintaining a sense of loyalty even when the relationship becomes unsafe
Cycle of Codependency and Alcoholism
In a codependent relationship, one person will have intense emotional and psychological needs, such as addiction to alcohol, and the other person bends backwards to meet those needs. Having a codependent behavior coupled with alcohol SUD is a bad combination and difficult to address.
Enablers allow the addict to continue with their toxic, unhealthy patterns by providing comfort and some form of safety. The giving of the enabling partner is just never enough. As long as this continues, the person with the addiction has no motivation to change. In a codependent relationship the enabling partner accepts blame that the addict will continue to subject them to as they deflect responsibility.
Many enablers aren’t even aware of this dynamic and how they are contributing to the addiction. Some enablers actually seek out people they can “rescue” to compensate for their own emotional or psychological issues. And addicts may seek out partners who can enable them.
Trust is eroded in codependent relationships. The enabler continues believing the addict will change. When there is no change, they may maintain denial, lose faith, possibly become depressed and neglect their own health. Yet the addict increases their attempts to manipulate the enabler, leading to conflict.
Especially in a family setting this becomes very toxic where the entire family system focuses on the addict and their behavior, with different family members playing various roles such as hero, martyr, scapegoat, mascot and lost child, none of which helps to address the problem honestly.
Treatment Available for Codependency and Alcoholism
Seeing the truth is a difficult thing for an addict to do without therapy whether individual psychotherapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Similarly, the enabler also will benefit from individual therapy to gain support in looking at their patterns that contribute to the addicted person’s unchanged behavior.
Family therapy is often required and beneficial for all family members to develop insight and understanding of the roles they play that contribute to the addiction or to family chaos and drama.
Type of treatment include:
- Inpatient residential treatment
- Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
- Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)
- Outpatient treatment
- Aftercare
- Family programs
- Support groups
Help Is Available in Los Angeles
At The Encino Recovery and Detox Center, we don’t just treat addiction; we nurture the spirit, heal the mind, and empower individuals to reclaim their lives. If you or a loved one is on the precipice, seeking a way out of the darkness of substance abuse, remember that private, confidential help is just a call away. Your journey to wellness, purpose, and a brighter tomorrow begins with that first step. Reach out to our Admissions team now.
Sources
[1] Panaghi L, Ahmadabadi Z, Khosravi N, Sadeghi MS, Madanipour A. 2016. Living with Addicted Men and Codependency: The Moderating Effect of Personality Traits. Addict Health. 2016 Apr;8(2):98-106.
[2] What’s the Link Between Codependency and Enabling? 2022. PsychCentral.com.
