The term “gaslighting” has become popular again in the last decade. The term originated from a 1938 stage play, Gas Light, and several film adaptations, in 1940 and 1944 in which a man manipulates his wife into thinking she is losing her mind.
It’s a psychological manipulation technique used to deceive others by covertly sowing seeds of doubt in a person. This makes them question their own perceptions, judgments, memories and even sanity. It’s a relatively common form of abuse and particularly so with alcoholics.
Knowing how to identify this behavior and how to manage it can help you protect your own mental health while you try to encourage the abuser to get the help they need. Read on to learn more about how gaslighting works and how to convince a loved one to get help.
What Role Does Gaslighting Play in Alcoholism?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can have severe psychological and emotional effects on the victim (typically a spouse or partner). The abuser does this by presenting false information undermining the victim’s self-confidence and self-esteem to make it easier to control their thoughts, emotions and behaviors. This can have profound effects leading to anxiety, depression and a sense of mental disorientation.
It’s often used in situations of marital infidelity where one partner may isolate the other and manipulate their sense of reality. As well it may occur in workplaces where superiors undermine subordinates to maintain power, or in social settings where entire racial groups are discredited.
Gaslighting can be very subtle. Here are some warning signs:
- Secretive behavior
- Persistent denial of facts
- Showing concern when in a situation they wish to control
- Projecting the perpetrator’s faults onto the victim
- Falsifying information
- Being kind and persuasive
- Attempting to isolate the victim from their support network
- Mood swings
- Name-calling
- Intimidating and threatening
People with Alcohol Use Disorder also use gaslighting to divert attention from their substance abuse problem and to maintain control in their relationships. The abuser goes to great lengths to convince their spouses, family, friends and employers, among others, that they aren’t doing anything wrong. And, if it looks like they are, it’s because the other person is not perceiving things truthfully. This creates a sense of confusion, embarrassment and doubt in the victim.
People struggling with alcohol abuse may use gaslighting tactics to manipulate loved ones to maintain their addiction. This is often intentional and malicious, feeding a cycle of dependency covering up their alcohol addiction. The psychological effects on the victim all play into the abuser’s control and maintenance of their alcohol abuse.
Alcoholics also may use gaslighting as a defense mechanism to protect themselves from stressors, threats or fears related to their addiction. By creating a context where the victim begins questioning their reality, they further strengthen the power dynamic in their favor.
Ways that people with alcohol use disorders may use gaslighting include:
- Minimizing or denying their drinking problem with statements like “You’re exaggerating. I don’t have a problem” or I can stop drinking anytime, but I choose not to”
- Distorting events to appear less problematic, saying “You misunderstand me and what I did”, or “I didn’t do that. What’s wrong with your memory”
- Blaming others or external factors, saying “If you didn’t hassle me so much, I wouldn’t drink”
- Invalidating others’ feelings, saying “It’s no big deal. You’re too sensitive” or “Everyone drinks. You’re overreacting”
- Withholding where the abusive person pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, “You must be hearing things. That doesn’t even make sense.”
- Countering where the gaslighter disputes the victim’s memory about drinking, even when the victim remembers the details accurately
- Blocking or diverting where the gaslighter quickly changes the subject away from their drinking problem and questions the victim’s thoughts, to control the conversation
- Trivializing where the gaslighter downplays or belittles the victim’s feelings and thoughts about their drinking, minimizing them and making the victim feel guilty for bringing them up
- Forgetting or denial where the gaslighter forgets details or events about their drinking and covers up by yelling or keeping a straight face [A]
What Causes Alcoholic Gaslighting?
Perpetrators of gaslighting often have mental health issues themselves. They may have developed such controlling behaviors as a response to childhood trauma, addiction, narcissistic personality disorder or other psychological conditions.
Some people with AUD resort to gaslighting to continue using alcohol without resistance from their loved ones. Because alcohol abuse alters executive functioning in the addict’s brain, their decision making is negatively impacted. It becomes narrowly focused on maintaining their alcohol abuse and with an inability to control it. So gaslighting becomes one of the ways they can maintain power, by manipulating others.
How to Convince a Loved One to Get Help
Overcoming gaslighting behavior in someone struggling with alcohol abuse can be challenging. This behavior can significantly reinforce the emotional harm caused by the disease itself and strain relationships. It’s important if you are subject to this to find ways to protect your own mental health and establish clear boundaries. Here are some tips:
- Trust your gut. Your concern about the person’s drinking is valid
- Use “I” statements. For example “I feel concerned about your drinking and its effect on your health and our relationship”
- Talk about observable behaviors and consequences. Describe specific instances you have observed. Highlight the negative consequences such as tension in the relationship, blackouts, etc.
- Be empathetic and supportive. Share that you care about their well-being. Offer your support for their recovery
- Don’t argue or be defensive. Stay centered and calm with focus on the need for treatment
- Ask open-ended questions about their own behavior. “How do you feel your alcohol use is affecting you” or “What would you like to change in your life?”
- Propose helping them find treatment. Share that you’re willing to help find and visit treatment options with them so they won’t feel alone
- Communicate your boundaries. Confirm you will help them but not engage in their destructive behavior
- Get help from others or a support group like Al-Anon to find a safe space to discuss how their gaslighting affects you.
Seeking Professional Help
If you or someone you know is showing signs of addiction or mental health issues, reach out for help. Compassionate licensed addiction specialists are available at The Encino Recovery & Detox Center. Remember, taking the first step towards recovery is a sign of strength. With the right support and treatment, overcoming addiction is possible, paving the way to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Sources
[A] What is Gaslighting?. The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
