It’s hard for someone who has never had an addiction to know what to say—and what not to say—to someone in recovery. The best advice is to learn more about addictions, what they’ve gone through and are now experiencing as they commit to recovery. Read on to learn more about how to approach this important but delicate topic.
What You Should Never Do
Addiction is not a simple matter. It’s the result of a combination of psychological, physiological and social aspects of a person’s life. And recovery from addiction is a process that may include medically assisted detox, residential treatment, therapy, sober living communities, treatment for underlying mental health issues and social support.
So the worst thing you can do is to say something without a basic understanding of the issues and the experience. Here are some things to not say or do:
Don’t Ignore the Problem
Pretending that there is no issue and that the person doesn’t have a problem just invalidates them and the issue. In fact, they may be unsure of how to ask for support. Saying things like the following just prolongs the problem:
- It’s not that bad
- You’re just going through a rough patch, then you’ll get over it
Don’t Encourage Substance Use
Avoid using any drugs or drinking around the person. Alcohol can be a substitute drug for someone quitting opiates so don’t encourage any form of substance use as it may trigger them back into using. Avoid suggesting any type of drug use such as:
- I’ll buy you a drink. Just one for old times sake.
- Why can’t you just have one drink or a hit? It’s not going to hurt you.
No Shaming. No Judgment
Stigma around substance abuse is one of the main reasons people find it hard to deal with their drug use. Keep in mind that it could be you who has an addiction issue. Don’t pass judgment on them. Avoid saying things like:
- You’re no dummy. Look at you!
- You’re an embarrassment
- I can’t hang around drug users
- I’m surprised to see you in this shape. You never seemed to be the type
- Just think of what you’re doing to the kids
- Calling someone shameful terms like “addict, “pothead”, ”junkie” or “cokehead”
There’s No Easy Way, So Don’t Pretend There Is
To you, quitting may sound easy. But it’s not. Don’t scold, criticize or nag. These types of statements just increase a sense of shame and put pressure on them which may drive them to resume abusing substances as a way to cope. Avoid saying:
- Get it together
- Why can’t you just stop using, or drinking?
- Just stop. It’s surely not that hard
No Ultimatums. Don’t Force Them to Quit
Stating ultimatums just makes the person feel abandoned and often closed off to hearing supportive statements. Tough love rarely works. A person needs to make their own decision to change or go to rehab. Don’t say:
- It’s my way or the highway
- You better choose between me or your addiction
Don’t Ignore Them
They need your support so don’t say things like:
- If that’s how you want it then I’m leaving.
- This is your last chance or I’m out of here
- You’re leaving me no choice but the silent treatment
Don’t Enable Them
It can be very painful to watch a person’s life unravel in front of you. But it’s important to not enable their behavior. For example:
- Don’t give or loan them money without a clear target for which they are accountable and without the security that they will repay you
- Don’t make excuses for their behavior or failed commitments
- Set boundaries, prioritize your own needs and monitor them
- Don’t do them any favors that you are not comfortable with
8 Steps to Support an Addict in Recovery
Here are 8 steps you can take to support someone in recovery. There is no linear sequence to these so adopt them as needed.
Understand That Addiction Is a Disease and Educate Yourself
Addiction can rewire the brain, altering and disrupting its normal function, leading to dependency and addiction. Take perspective, as hard as that may be, to understand their behavior. Learn about their addiction to better equip yourself to cope and help. Yet, watching someone with self-destructive behaviors can be very painful.
Step back if needed so you are not drawn into a vicious cycle of codependency. Then, be there for them without judgment. At the right time, ask how you can best support them. Verbally acknowledge that the recovery process will be challenging and that getting treatment was very rave. This may not be until they have gone through treatment and are ready to embark on committed recovery.
Be A Support Person. Not an Enabler
As mentioned in the previous section, providing support without enabling the person takes practice. Wanting to protect the person from the negative consequences of their addictive behavior is a natural feeling from loved ones and friends who care. More often than not, this can worsen the behavior of the person as they may manipulate the goodwill of loved ones and family.
People in recovery need this support but you need to ensure it is offered within healthy boundaries that you can provide and no more. Your focus with them should be on healthy future goals such as following through on their recovery plans, continuing education to support finding a job and managing daily life and finances appropriately.
Take Care of Yourself
This ties into the last point above—Don’t Enable Them, but is one of the first things you should do. Taking care of or simply helping, can take a toll on the provider of that care. It can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, poor diet and ignoring your own needs for self-care. Take care of your emotional, mental and physical needs first. It’s the only way to be in a position of strength to help someone else.
Let Them Lead. You Can Prompt
The best form of validation comes from within the person. So, as much as possible, let them lead the direction about their recovery. But you can prompt topics for discussion by the following:
- Ask open-ended questions about how they feel
- Listen without judging
- Ask the person how they would like you to help
- Offer activities to get out of the house. A walk in a park can be a non-threatening way for a conversation to take place
- Do regular check-ins, but sensitive to their wishes
Validate Their Positive Steps
Without criticism, support their attempts to stay sober in recovery. Suggest fun activities you can share and use statements such as:
- Let’s go for a walk, shall we?
- Do you want to watch a movie together?
- There’s no shame in what you’re doing in recovery
- I’m really proud of the effort you’re making
- Thanks for sharing what you’re up against and going through
- I want you to know I’m here to support you
Don’t Manipulate
It can be very challenging to support someone in recovery. If the person is a loved one, don’t say “If you loved me you’d quit, or have quit earlier”. This will make them defensive and lead to a negative interaction. Instead, say:
- I love you. How can I best help you in recovery?
- You know I’m your number 1 support person, right?
- I believe in you and that you can be successful in recovery
Help Them Learn From Their Mistakes
While resisting the tendency to be an enabler, you can still help the person learn from their mistakes. These may include learning how to appropriately refuse offers of substances from former associates and friends, or accepting help when needed. Supporting them to learn how to speak about their problems and addictions is equally important. Providing insight when asked is also an important role.
Help Them Understand Recovery is a Journey. Relapses Aren’t Failures
Two-thirds of those in recovery relapse in their first year. These are not failures; they are learning opportunities signaling possible changes are needed in the recovery program. Understanding this is key for loved ones and family. Helping the person deal with relapse is a critical supporting role to play, without judgment. And remind them that successful recovery has been possible for millions of people and can also be for them.
Recovery in Los Angeles, California
At the Encino Recovery and Detox Center in Los Angeles we don’t just treat addiction. We nurture the spirit, heal the mind and help you to regain your life. If you or a loved one is seeking a way out of the darkness of substance abuse, private, confidential help is just a call away. Reach out to our Admissions team now.
